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WARNING... Not ALL WomeN... UnderstanD YouR SensE of HumouR... ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ—  

Paulxx001 64M  
9151 posts
10/28/2021 9:19 am

Last Read:
1/10/2022 11:25 am

WARNING... Not ALL WomeN... UnderstanD YouR SensE of HumouR... ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ—

I guess if I were to do things over, I would have held onto my SECOND remark to her. I thought it was worthy of a chuckle or at least a smile. I wasn't prepared when she aimed her taser at my testicles; is anyone? It began the way most blunders unravel; I had a decision to make โ€” left or right?

I enjoy the freedom of working from home. Even though I'm a slave to that computer screen, once a day, I unchain myself, step outdoors โ€” and clear my head. Yesterday afternoon was no different from another, except fall weather had become blunt and bitter.

I had to wear layers; a sweatshirt, my grey hoody, followed by a well-worn (*but oh so cozy*) fall jacket, topped off with a black cap and sunglasses. Of course, I lugged my trusty old knapsack filled with optional essentials. And those seasoned white runners โ€” completed the look.

When I eyed myself in the mirror, I resembled one of those homeless guys who carry scrawled cardboard signs and wave them at stopped traffic, "Haven't eaten in four days โ€” anything will help." Yeah, THAT guy! I didn't care; I was warm and comfortable โ€” off I went into that brisk autumn breeze.

I usually hike a couple of miles or so, then at those lights near McDonald's, I turn right and trek back, but I thought to myself โ€” why not push it? There's a huge box store up that road; let's make a LEFT and go for it. I'd definitely, find something to buy. It's one of those places that carry toasters and toilets โ€” and anything else you'd ever want in life.

I picked up some powdered Oxi Clean โ€” there's a fricken coffee stain on my driver's seat. I paid for those crystals, then readied myself to lean back into that icy wind. That's when they โ€” Security โ€” approached.

He was young, at least six foot three and muscled. She was middle-aged โ€” loved donuts โ€” and wore her light brown hair in a tight ponytail. Don't they all? She spoke in a sweet, almost apologetic voice.

"Sir, can you open your knapsack for us, please?"

I imagine I looked a little dishevelled, but I was surprised to be a suspect in a robbery.

"You think I've stolen something?" I asked in a calm and measured tone.

Mr. Muscles interjected gruffly, "Sir, there's no need to raise your voice and become confrontational and belligerent. I'll ask you politely, will you open your pack?"

I figured I'd get playful โ€” and threw in that SECOND remark towards the ponytailed uniform.

"Listen, why don't we lose the tall grumpy guy, and you can take me to the back room โ€” and search me in private."

It's then, she reached for her taser and aimed. For fuck's sake, are you kidding? (*although, when i think about it now, i might have been a touch inappropriate. especially with someone who didn't know me*)

I was led into their windowless office; it revealed one abused wooden table and a pair of green plastic chairs. The overhead fluorescent lights flickered, but the one-way mirror was surprisingly missing.

Thus began the ordeal of emptying my backpack; it's a camper's model โ€” with five zippers, four sleeves, and, I forget how many flaps. Picture how much STUFF I can carry in that sack. THEY went through everything meticulously. And not because they were looking for stolen items โ€” they wanted to piss me off.

The whole performance took more than twenty-five minutes, yet as they opened that door and released me โ€” I still had a dart to throw. "What, there's no pat-down?"

They glared... but didn't budge. As I left that store, I realized TWO critical things.

One: I may not have been wearing a suit and tie, but was all that bullshit necessary?

Two: Thank goodness they never frisked me and checked my rear pant pocket. That's where I'd tucked those batteries; the ones I'd forgotten to pay for.


In prison you don.t get a choice on who does your prostate exam โ€” do you?

Paulxx001 64M  
22494 posts
10/28/2021 9:20 am

Any closet kleptos out there? ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ—

Ok... seriously...
Does everyone get your sense of humour, or do you have to explain it to people when you joke? ๐Ÿ˜

Paulxx001 64M  
22494 posts
10/28/2021 9:20 am

How often do YOU judge someone by the clothes they wear? ๐Ÿค”

(*I guess another Q could have been; do you enjoy โ€” giving or receiving โ€”prostate exams? *)

author51 59F  
129142 posts
10/28/2021 9:36 am

Jesus my friend. No wonder they stopped you.Going into a store with a backpack on even in my small town, would have security questioning one. Life is never boring with you eh! xoxo

You can never have enough JOY in your life.....xoxo


Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 2:14 pm:
I walked in with IT and I thought they'd ask me to 'check' it โ€” they didn't. So... ๐Ÿ˜Š lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ Ugh... it was fun, sort of. ๐Ÿ˜ถโ—
What? Ya never accidentally took something? ๐Ÿค”

mufdiver69er2 61M  
1906 posts
10/28/2021 12:21 pm

a pack of batteries? got over on em, sense of humor as i have done some paul blart work myself...

woop woop

Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 2:15 pm:
I would have put them into my knapsack, but I NEVER would have found them. ๐Ÿ˜Ž โ— โ—
So, ya been there? ๐Ÿค”

smartasswoman 64F  
35755 posts
10/28/2021 1:04 pm

Nope, not everyone gets my sense of humor, or gets me in general. I had a message on Fetlife from someone who said "I used to chat with you on OKCupid and you were aloof as hell". OK, maybe he DID get me, lol.

Hey, heard a podcast the other day that you might enjoy. Radiolab, Oct 22 episode named "Dakou". It's about how discarded "cutout" cassette tapes made their way to China and allowed people there to hear Western music for the first time. Before then, the only music they had access to were State-sponsored operas about the glorious workers defeating evil capitalists. (!).

Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 2:18 pm:
Toi, aloof? ๐Ÿค” lol ๐Ÿ˜‚
Yep, we're all a bit twisted. I'm still working on all your angles. ๐Ÿ˜ถโ—

Thanks for the heads up. There are SO many I've gotta get to. My daughter has given me her list as well. I'm chomping through them. They're addictive aren't they? lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

superbjversion2 66F
24165 posts
10/28/2021 1:50 pm

Backpack? Suspicious, for sure. You'd be better carrying a purse.

Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!

Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 2:19 pm:
I have a fanny pack is THAT ok? ๐Ÿค” โ—

GhostofH 62M
22574 posts
10/28/2021 1:50 pm

LMAO @ she was middle aged.... loved donuts..... HILARIOUS!!!!

Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 2:20 pm:
I was wondering if anyone would get my delicate description.
Thanks for the smile! ๐Ÿ‘ ๐Ÿ˜Š

positively4you 72F  
4573 posts
10/28/2021 1:55 pm

I made a joke to a guy in my work building about his parole officer. He got real defensive. How was I to know he really had one? So, yes, my lame attempt at humor can backfire at times. Im no klepto and I am guilty of judging by dress. As in all men in tight jeans or a uniform are hot.

Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 2:22 pm:
Oh my gosh, that's funny and... perhaps not. lol ๐Ÿ˜‚
Well, at least you'd know who stole that lunch from the fridge.
Ya never know what's behind someone's smile, do ya? lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

silk_petal_rose 58F
2343 posts
10/28/2021 2:53 pm

hahaha how long did it take you to come up with that


Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 4:13 pm:
Ha... not long โ€” I just had to recall it from memory as I enjoyed the adventure this week.
Sometimes, my memory of events is clear โ€” and helped along by the bitter cold we've had all week. Or is it simply that I'm not used to it yet. I'm sure ya know what I mean. ๐Ÿ˜Ž โ— โ—

pagancountrygirl 64F
6396 posts
10/28/2021 2:59 pm

I was going through airport security years ago (MANY years ago), pre 9/11 times, and I was chosen for one of the random drug checks of my purse. So the TSA guy takes the little vacuum and goes through all the compartments, then runs the residue through the machine. After he told me I was good to go, I looked at him and asked "Was it good for you"? Poor guy blushed and my sister about died.
Oh....and I carry a back pack. Never been stopped in a store for it.

Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!

Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 4:29 pm:
Lol ๐Ÿ˜‚
THAT'S, a great line. Isn't it special when we can come up with the right 'words' at the right time.

Although, that's a scary lineup you were in. I can't believe they'd go to such detail. I mean, even if there WAS something, are we talking about a 'millionth' of a gram? ๐Ÿค”

My backpack will never see the inside of THAT store, or any other. It had its fun.

You must have been surprised when they pulled out of that line. omg ๐Ÿ˜‚

lust4life59 63F
2520 posts
10/28/2021 3:54 pm

It's not the clothes that make the man a suspect, it's the backpack. I went into an adult toy store a few years ago, and couldn't even carry in my handbag, had to leave it in the car. Now mind you, I'm not a big purse person, I use the crossover small handbags, with just enough room for my cell phone and wallet, It's not like I was going to being to slip out with a supersized dildo hidden in there.

ANd careful what you ask for, if store patdowns are anything like the TSA, that nice young man would have been getting to know your prostrate.

Paulxx001 replies on 10/28/2021 4:55 pm:
You make some good points.
When I walked into that store, I expected to be stopped, but when I wasn't, I figured, OK, cool; I guess it wasn't. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

And true, about those pat-downs โ€” I don't want any part of what you described.

I would never have tried my 'line' with police; can you imagine? ๐Ÿค” lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ But mostly โ€” OMG! โ—โ—


Only_one_14 52F
4351 posts
10/28/2021 8:39 pm

I bet ya if you had a box of Krispy Kremeโ€™s she would have let ya pass thru with ease! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚. You wanted the anal cavity search ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

A Man who knows how to use his tongue is extremely useful!

Paulxx001 replies on 10/29/2021 4:17 am:
I'll betcha you're right. Damn, I gotta be prepared NEXT time. ๐Ÿ‘
Perhaps not a search, as much as a linger, with a stroke in the right places. Ya know what I mean? ๐Ÿค”
Are you into that type of control? ๐Ÿ˜Žโ—โ—

scoupe42 58M  
13027 posts
10/28/2021 9:22 pm

I guess the Police lack humor! But Backpack going to always draw attention.

Paulxx001 replies on 10/29/2021 4:19 am:
The backpack was a dumb idea, but I always drive to that store; I NEVER take that sack with me. That's the first and last time.
Any tales of intrigue with female security or police? ๐Ÿค”

PonyGirl1965 56F
21450 posts
10/28/2021 11:47 pm

LOL Did ya have any knickers on?
I don't give prostate exams. Not my style.
Best revenge for asshat security officers is to start expelling any gas in your body. Feel free to be silent or loud. Extra credit for deadly gas. It helps hurry them along in their task. Hehehe

Paulxx001 replies on 10/29/2021 4:25 am:
Black boxer briefs โ€” clean ones. lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ
I imagine, from their perspective, they were doing their job. She was polite but we were ALL messing with each other.
Thank goodness this is isn't a police state; I wouldn't be laughing about that whole event.
Do you have security in the big stores in your area? ๐Ÿค”

nsnguystill 69M
412 posts
10/29/2021 2:34 am

yup! nothing says we trust you like security guards at the door!

there is a world of difference between insane and stupid

Paulxx001 replies on 10/29/2021 4:26 am:
Not sure if I saw them at the door but they musta been watching me on cam. lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ ๐Ÿ‘

mc_justmc 61M  
6928 posts
10/29/2021 3:12 am

I was picked up by a female cop in the Dallas area in my youth. She frisked me twice, once on the side of the road, a second time before she locked me in a cell. After the 2nd frisking I commented, "If you ever want to get together sometime, you have my number". That resulted in a firm push into the cell.

Paulxx001 replies on 10/29/2021 4:29 am:
Sounds like a classic. Why is it always the female cop who plays hard to get? ๐Ÿค”
They have the same attitude over here. Although, I guess you can't blame them; what with smart-asses like ME walking around.
Sheesh... ๐Ÿ˜Š

So, dja get your 'get outta jail' card or didja spend the night? ๐Ÿค”

spunkycumfun 61M/66F  
40572 posts
10/29/2021 4:58 am

Store security staff seem to be either very officious in doing their job or very indifferent to doing their job. I want some in-between security staff!

Paulxx001 replies on 10/29/2021 1:35 pm:
It's all or nothing over there as well, huh? ๐Ÿค” Hmmm...
I imagine they want to put the fear of a 'god' into us.
Middle of the road WOULD be nice! ๐Ÿ‘ ๐Ÿ˜Š

loneleix 62M
973 posts
10/29/2021 6:23 am

My state has recently decided to ignore open carry gun owners. It's always a little disconcerting to see some random guy with a big stainless pistol in a quickdraw holster at the home supply store. I have no idea what these people are thinking. I much prefer to see someone carrying a back pack than one of them. I usually try to stare at them continuously to see if I can make them nervous.

Paulxx001 replies on 10/29/2021 1:44 pm:
You stare at them? Wow...
Ya got some serious, um, balls. ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ‘
Handguns aren't allowed over here, so I'd be freaking out if I saw someone 'packing'. I imagine it takes some getting used to. And if I worked security, and a six-shooter guy walked out without paying for that bag of nails โ€” I'd turn a blind eye.
I'm imagining a ton of scary confrontations โ€” or are situations handled civilly? ๐Ÿค”

sexyldy1000 61F  
9573 posts
10/29/2021 8:20 pm

Hmmm, you do like to push your luck, don't you? Didn't you learn anything from your previous encounter being found to possess 'unpaid for' items? Your sense of humour more often seems to get you into trouble rather than out of it especially with people in authority (like all those female police officers you have written about). And yes, certain assumptions are made about someone based on what they are wearing, including carrying a backpack into a retail store.

Paulxx001 replies on 10/30/2021 5:25 am:
Moi, learn anything from past events? ๐Ÿค”
Nah, THAT would imply intelligence, of which I could use a few grains.

I'm convinced those authoritarians don't have a sense of humour; what other reason would their grinnless glares imply?

That sack was a magnet for mayhem โ€” that's for sure. It's seen its last field trip to the inside of THAT store, or any other. ๐Ÿ˜Š ๐Ÿ‘

loneleix 62M
973 posts
10/30/2021 9:29 am

Haven't seen any confrontations in person but I am sure it happens. I tend to assume that most people who find it necessary to carry a weapon to the hardware store are probably either very fearful or overcompensating for some other issue.

What's scary to me is what they might do with it if scared a little more. A shootout in aisle three is not something I'm thinking anyone needs. Of course one of these guys may actually be present when a terrorist attacks the lumber yard or the tire changing place and I will eat my words then.....

Paulxx001 replies on 11/1/2021 9:18 pm:
Trying to process irrational thoughts gives me a headache. Yet, if I had a home project or needed tires โ€” I'd be wary.
Thanks for the heads up. ๐Ÿ˜ถ โ—

BeccaLuvs 59F
20750 posts
10/31/2021 1:52 pm

Big grin - And Paul, seeing as though everything has already been covered here, everybody already said what I wanted to say, "sulk", thus, I'll just stick to the "grin" cos really enjoyed outrageous you!

..... And always 'hold onto all those sexy thoughts'!
(Remember if you feel like taking part in some sexy fun then click here!) Come on Some Sketch Fun
And Now How About 39Me39 Watching 39You39 If you39d like that Please Comment - So if you would like - click here as well!

Paulxx001 replies on 10/31/2021 2:34 pm:
It's always a pleasure to hear your thoughts โ€” they'd be in YOUR voice.

Do they have security guards in the big stores in your part of the planet ๐ŸŒ? ๐Ÿค”

I hope your load-sharing is pairing down and you're enjoying spring.๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ‘โ—โ—

EroticMusings2 57F  
640 posts
11/9/2021 7:05 pm

Oh my lord, you had me rolling with laughter here. Thank you, way too funny!

*Creative Outlets of All Forms thru Me*

Paulxx001 replies on 11/9/2021 10:49 pm:
It's funny NOW, but then? Not so much. ๐Ÿ˜Š
Happy to provide a chuckle.
Haven't YOU ever gotten yourself into trouble? ๐Ÿค”
I can only imagine... lol ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

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